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Date: 19/12/2024

Mood: ???

5

Oh, by the way, I quit my job. I lasted a month. Sucks but oh well -- ex-ex-shut-in, now. At least I'm out of NEEThood. Degree is coming along swimmingly... I like to tell myself and others.

Hate to be so whiny all the time; I don't want to associate this page with negativity for me, but I don't know, semi-anonymously ranting about my life to strangers is quite therapeutic.

You know, eventually I'll talk about my interests --I'd like to make a few shrines on here. I've just been feeling rather somber of late. I think it's the turn of the new year upcoming that's got me all unsettled. Makes me feel like I gotta jump into action; got me gnawing at the bit to do something with my life, right the fuck now. Make a radical change. Maybe soon, maybe never.

Date: 15/12/24

Mood: sullen

Entry Four

Don't like whats in the future for me. Been without medication for two days now -- feeling the effects of it. Fuck. Hate that I need a happy pill to be able to feel semi-normal. I still feel fucked with it, but less than I do without.

Wish I could be elsewhere. i hate this life I have made for myself. I'm 20 next year. Older people may snark at me feeling hopeless so young, but in my circumstances I feel it's justified.

I mean, my life could be worse. A lot worse. I'm glad it isn't, but I don't have to be glad with shitty circumstances just because someone else may be suffering more than me.

Life is a struggle for everyone.

I think of that doctor in the news recently that said "some children are born into this world to suffer and die."

What if that applies to me?

I'm incongruent. Stuck in a body that isn't mine. Stuck with a brain that is hellbent on seeing its end.

What do I have? I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a full stomach. I have a computer, a phone, feline companions.

None of it is enough to fill this aching fucking hole within me.

I try to fill it with material items and it never works. I try DBT and sure, it can be a respite, but it doesn't stop this gaping loneliness I feel.

Shit's so fucked. I'm so lonely. I wish somebody loved me.

Date: November

Mood: morose

Thought

I wish I could devote my life to something but I don't believe in anything. I am nothing. Soulless.

Date: 01/09/2024

Mood: hopeful

Entry Two

I finally got a job! Albeit I got it from lying through my teeth, I got it nonetheless. It's my first job, and I'm real happy about it. Gets me off my screen and around people for a few hours.

I've also adopted a new kitten. She's one cute kitty -- a rambunctious one at that. I now have two cats, and I love them with all my heart.

Haven't had much motivation to read, write or watch TV. I play games sometimes when I have the motivation, but I get bored after a few days of it. I would like to hit my reading goal before the end of the year; 12 books. May not seem a lot for others but for me it is.

Date: 16/07/2024

Mood: meh

Entry One

It's been awhile. Today, for my first entry, I want to briefly touch on music and memory.

Music is, for many, a comfort. It is for me, too. I cant articulate everything I feel about music. How it has been here since the dawn of time; the lapping of waves against newly formed earth, the note of the first birdsong sung. Throughout history, we as humans have always been drawn to music... but why?

I think, at our core, we all feel a desire to create. To own something. Or perhaps we simply yearn for recognition, like hey, this is my bare heart and soul all on a silver platter, all for you. Do you like it? Is it good enough for you?

Whenever I go through a tough period in my life I withdraw completely into music, video games or my imagination. Most media has some form of relatability to it, something to get lost in; it's basic marketing. This is one of the reasons why there's so many songs and artists I can no longer listen to without a grimace, or immediately spiralling. Songs and artists I associate with bad times or people, songs better left forgotten about -- at least until Spotify decides to jumpscare you with them via shuffle play.

Anyway, I'll discuss my current life and I now.

It's been uneventful for the most part. I don't know if my medication is working anymore, or if this is it, this boring sameness. Most people say antidepressants are numbing, and for awhile it was and I enjoyed it -- pre-medication I was entirely high-strung and unable to relax. Then I was finally prescribed an SSRI, and it was fine for awhile. Had to get my dosage upped twice.

Recently it appears I have been regressing in terms of progress -- my agoraphobia is back with a vengeance. I have no desire to go outside, and no motivation to either. Butterflies flutter in my chest at the mere idea of doing so.

I think I just don't like summer. It's too muggy, I lack appropriate clothing due to years spent inside alone, and summer seems to be the perfect time for my body image issues to arise, and that they have.

I lack motivation to do anything. I'm just so bored.

Well anyway, I'm going to see Longlegs soon -- a new horror film starring Nicholas Cage. The trailers looked good, and from what I have seen the audience reaction has been as well. I've hidden away from spoilers, but from what I can tell it shares a similar storyline to Silence of the Lambs. I guess I'll confirm that once I've watched it. I'll try and write a review.

I'm also reading, which is great. I'm glad I haven't stopped that. I'm currently reading Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn. The writing style and main character is so captivating, it's the first book in a long time I struggle to "put down" -- figuratively because I read online.

Sharp Objects is about a woman journalist returning to her hometown to help solve the murder of two young girls. It delves into difficult familiar relationships, in particular that of a mother and daughter -- my favourite.

There's also a television show adaption if reading isn't your thing -- although it should be.

Until next time.

Date: 2024

Mood: morbid

Death and Decay

Death is an ever-present, pervasive fear that looms over Western society. It's considered a taboo. Something to avoid, deny, shake your fist at, rather than acknowledge and accept it as it is -- inevitable. Naturally, like most things taboo, this intrigues me; I have an intense fear of death, and I wish to confront it, so why not write about it? I think next I'll write something about funeral traditions in the West pre-colonisation.

Around 15 minutes after death, your skin will pale due to lack of blood flow. This is known as pallor mortis, "paleness of death".

Next, livor mortis -- "bruise of death" -- this is the process of blood sitting in the lower part of the body. This usually sets in within 20 minutes, but is only noticeable to the human eye after 2 hours, and will only increase each hour. Observation of livor mortis is a common way for coroners to approximate a time of death for a person, although it is not as reliable as algor or rigor mortis.

"Coldness of death," also known as algor mortis, is the next stage. As apparent in its name, it is the process of the steady temperature decline after death, which is caused by the absence of thermoregulation. However, there are several factors that can affect this, such as the environment the body is in, what clothing it is wearing, and the presence of disease or drugs.

Rigor mortis is next -- within 3-4 hours, your muscles begin to stiffen due to chemical changes in muscle structure, and will stay rigid for up to 36 hours. Similarly to algor mortis, rigor mortis can be affected by the surrounding temperature, drugs, muscle mass, and disease.

Once rigor mortis passes, you've reached the final stage of death -- decomposition. Within the first few hours of decay, your cell membranes break down into enzymes that begin the process of autolysis; self-destruction. The body destroys itself from the inside-out.

Then, putrefaction, which is the first stage of decay -- internally, the bacteria residing within you begins to eat at your internal organs, starting with your larynx and finishing with your uterus or prostate. Externally, the stench of decay attracts insect visitors -- flies in particular. Your dead body will be used to house their young in every orifice; eyes, mouth, nose, genitals. Within 24 hours your body writhes with larvae, within a few days, maggots.

Your abdomen begins to distend due to the increase of gas-producing bacteria, which causes facial and genital swelling, and putrefactive liquid expulsion from the mouth and nostrils. Your skin discolours further into a blue-green marbling and forms blisters. These blisters result in skin slippage, where, as the name describes, your skin begins to "slip" off your body, thus causing your hair and nails to weaken and begin to purge. Several different types of insects will begin to colonise the body -- blowflies, beetles, mites, and even begin predating each other; your body an endless cycle of life and death. Your organs and cavities begin bursting and liquefying.

Eventually the bloated body ruptures and insects and bacteria will begin to consume the body whole. Depending on where the body lays, the ground beneath it will begin to fester and mould.

Then, dry decay. The body skeletonises.

The process of death and decay is scary and disgustingly beautiful. As gross as it is, your body becomes a birthplace, an Eden.

Your death gives life to thousands of organisms. Knowing this makes it a little less scary to me. Although physically I am dead, I live on in the stomachs of insects and the ground of which surrounds me.

I adore the idea of being buried underneath a freshly planted tree, my corpse it's sustenance, and it my rebirth.

©repth